I haven’t been making time to write and it’s been weighing heavily on me. Like a lot.
Specifically, it’s been more than three months since my last newsletter. Oh sure I’ve had a lot going on but in my mind three months is too long and with each passing week my thoughts have gotten more convincing… you’re disappointed with me.
It sounds so silly to say it out loud but in the moment these thoughts are the most convincing thoughts in the world. They make me believe that I’m a bad boy. That I’ve done something wrong. That you really are disappointed with me because I haven’t written anything in a while.
What’s worse is I then believe these stories which keeps me from taking action. This is a pattern of mine.
Anytime I’ve gone an extended period of time without connecting with someone my mind has made up stories about what the other person is thinking about me. It usually starts with they’re disappointed with me which turns into they’re mad at me because they haven’t heard from me in such a long time which ultimately becomes they don’t want ever talk to me again. I make up these stories and I personalize them.
I once made up a story that someone was disappointed in me and I didn’t talk to them for two years because of it. When we finally did end up speaking to one another I shared with them what had kept me away and they told me my story wasn’t true. Everything that I had told myself was a lie.
I’ve been doing the same thing with my writing. In mind you are disappointed with me which makes it easier to hide out and not be seen. But this a lesson that I know everyone can relate to which makes it all the more important to share. Which means I have to stand up, be vulnerable, and remind myself (and hopefully you in the process) not to hide behind our fears of disappointing others and the stories that we make up about it.
Too many of us lose close relationships because of this. We think about someone and want to pick up the phone and call them but the story in our head about how they’ll be disappointed in us from our lack of communication is usually much louder and renders us paralyzed from taking action. One month turns into two months which turns into a severed relationship and never talking to that person again.
Have you ever noticed how much time you spend trying not to disappoint others? Think about how much stress, fear and worry you experience every time you attempt to avoid disappointment from someone. It’s maddening and it sets us up for pain and failure. Remember, where your focus goes energy flows.
Fear of disappointment makes it impossible for you to speak your truth and live authentically. As uncomfortable and even painful as it can be for many of us, it is essential on our journey of growth and self discovery.
So if you’re disappointed in me for not writing anything in a while that’s okay. Like I said I’ve had a lot going on. I’m just grateful for the courage to get back in the arena. I’ve missed connecting with you.