Dear Friends,
As I navigate this chapter of my life—being divorced, single, and coparenting my amazing 7 1/2-year-old daughter—I've been reflecting deeply on the importance of building intimacy with ourselves before seeking it with another person.
I’m not going to lie: there are parts of me that scream for partnership. They tell me that my life isn't complete without it, that something is missing, that I’m meant to be with someone who can fill that void. But as I sit with those feelings, I realize that they are not truths—they are just parts of me yearning for connection and validation.
Recently, I was having a conversation with a client who was struggling with similar thoughts. He was feeling incomplete, like his life didn’t have purpose without a romantic partner. I reminded him, just as I’ve had to remind myself, that our lives are already whole. We are complete in this moment, just as we are. We don’t need someone else to make us feel validated or worthy of love.
This got me thinking about something I’ve noticed in my own life. And let me be honest—it’s a little vulnerable for me to share, but here goes: My car is a bit messy. It’s not a disaster, but I haven’t washed it in a couple of months, and it definitely needs to be vacuumed. I’m sharing this with you because if I had a date tomorrow night, which I don't, that car would be cleaned, vacuumed, and I’d put a brand new air freshener in there to make sure it looks and smells great.
Why am I sharing this? Because it’s a small but significant example of the way we often do things for others, or to impress others, rather than doing them for ourselves. When we’re building intimacy with ourselves, it’s important to focus on taking care of ourselves not to court someone else or fill a void, but because we deserve that care and attention.
So, I’m working on taking those little moments—like washing my car or cleaning my space—not to impress anyone, but to show myself that I am worthy of my own time and effort. Building intimacy with ourselves means learning to care for ourselves in the same way we might care for someone we love.
This period of reflection is critical for me. I’m learning to stand in my own power again, parent from a place of peace, and trust that everything I need is already inside of me. I want to share this with you because I know that so many of us struggle with the idea that we’re not enough on our own. But you are. We all are. The love, peace, and fulfillment we seek can only come when we give it to ourselves first.
If you're in a similar place—feeling the pressure to find partnership, or anything else for that matter, to complete your life—remember: you are whole, right here, right now. You already have everything you need within you.
Take the time to cultivate that intimacy with yourself. It’s more than just self-care—it’s about self-acceptance, self-trust, and self-love. When we do this, we align ourselves with the kind of relationships we truly deserve.
With love and gratitude,
Zak