This article was first published on gratitudeandtrust.com. You can view it here as well.
Have you ever wanted to say goodbye to someone but couldn’t? Wanted to tell someone that the relationship between the two of you wasn’t quite what you wanted it to be? Have you ever wanted to end something but you were too afraid to do so? Afraid of how the other person would respond? Afraid of hurting someone? Afraid of the unknown?
I fully realize that it’s impossible to put myself inside your head. Anyone’s head for that matter. But yet still I try. See, I want to end a relationship with someone. Doesn’t matter if it’s with a girl, sibling, boss or landlord. What matters is that the relationship isn’t fulfilling me anymore. It’s not meeting my needs. And I want to end it. I want to move on. FYI I’ve felt this way for close to a year now.
Wait what? You heard me. I’m still in the relationship. Still not getting my needs met. Pick up the phone and call this person! Tell them you want out! End it! If only it were that easy.
Actually it is that easy. All I have to do is take the steering wheel away from the scared inner child. I have to be the parent. I have to be in charge. Not him.
With him in charge it’s all about how the other person is going to react. Thoughts of how mad the other person is going to be with him. Thoughts of them yelling at him. Blaming him. Shaming him. That kind of stuff. Little Zachy I can’t let you be in charge anymore. Obsessing about someone else’s reaction does us no good.
This is my opportunity to show up as a man. To speak my truth. To say what I mean, mean what I say and say it nicely. If I detach with love however the other person reacts is their stuff. Not mine.
It’s also an amazing opportunity for growth. If I’m working at being the best me I can possibly be I’m doing myself a disservice if I waste anymore time worrying about how the other person is going to react. I just am.
So I picked up a pen and paper and wrote down all the craziness swirling around in my head. I wrote about how I’m powerless over another person no less their reaction. I wrote about how I want to control everything about the other person. And on and on I wrote. I ended my writing with the word INSANITY. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
See I’ve played out ending this relationship in my head every which way but sunday. Did I get that right? Hopefully you get the point. It’s crazy making. It’s also been a way of life for me. I’ve stayed in relationships far too long for this reason alone. Heck I’ve ended up in relationships with people I had no intention of even being with in the first place. Just because I was afraid. Afraid to say no. No thanks. Not interested. Believe me when I tell you these are very hard words for me to say. I’ve put other peoples needs before my own for the better part of my life. It’s called codependency.
Okay moment of truth. Pulse racing. Head feeling like it’s in a vice. I grabbed little Zachary’s hand and I made the call.
Go figure, It went well. The other person was kind and accepting. We talked, shared, and said goodbye. I kept it simple. No apologies even though I wanted to. I did nothing wrong. No apologies were needed. Their tone sounded a little sad, perhaps a tad hurt. But that’s their stuff. Another persons feelings are not my responsibility.
So how do I feel? Sad. And that’s okay. It’s okay to be sad. What’s not okay is running back. And trust me, there’s a big part of me that wants to do just that. To say I’m sorry and tell them I made a mistake. But I wont. I’ll sit in the sadness. I’ll feel my feelings and I’ll be okay.
For me that’s a whole lot of growth.